


Sides

by PearlRuby



Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: Drabble, F/F, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:53:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27777169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PearlRuby/pseuds/PearlRuby
Summary: There are many sides to Mildred Ratched. Gwendolyn Briggs loves them all.
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched
Comments: 22
Kudos: 87





	Sides

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of all over the place and I wasn't sure if I should post it, but I'm going to be very busy the next couple of weeks and I wanted to try and write something before then. It's basically a Mildred Ratched character study from the perspective of Gwendolyn Briggs. Probably a mess, but I hope you like it anyway.

Mildred Ratched is complicated. 

That much was clear to Gwendolyn from the very beginning. In the early days of their relationship, Mildred seemed determined to be unknowable, gazing at Gwendolyn with undisguised longing one moment, becoming cold and reserved the next. Gwendolyn had ached to break down the wall she had built around herself, to gaze into her mind and understand this strange, elusive woman who was relentlessly worming her way deeper and deeper into Gwendolyn’s heart. But however hard she tried, Mildred continued to evade her. 

And then everything had changed. 

After their first kiss, after they had both finally confessed their feelings, Mildred had begun to allow herself to open up. It was slow progress at first, and it was clear that she found it strange and uncomfortable, letting someone see her soul with no secrets or pretences in the way. But Gwendolyn remained patient, and with each day Mildred became a little more relaxed, allowed Gwendolyn to learn a little more about her. 

Now, lying in bed with Mildred still asleep in her arms, Gwendolyn marvels at how far they’ve come. There is so much to love about Mildred, so many wonderful sides to her that Gwendolyn doubts she’ll ever discover them all. But she finds that thought strangely exciting, knowing that there will always be something new to learn about her favourite person in the world. 

The sides she has seen, she loves unreservedly. 

*** 

Sweet, caring Mildred is perhaps the most surprising side. There definitely aren’t many people who would describe Mildred Ratched as sweet. Part of Gwendolyn is sorry about that, and wishes that the world could see Mildred as the adorable woman she knows, rather than the stern and haughty Nurse Ratched. But another part of her feels selfishly pleased that she gets to keep this part of Mildred for herself, that there’s a side to Mildred that only she gets to see. 

And she does see it, in a hundred little ways, every day. She sees it in the endless cups of ginger tea that Mildred makes for her when her chemotherapy nausea is at its height. She sees it in the warm baths with lavender oil that Mildred runs for her (and, if she’s lucky, joins her in) when her body is aching from the weight of the day. She sees it in good morning ‘I love you’s, and in good night kisses, and in every moment in between. 

She sees it even when Mildred isn’t there. Whenever Mildred has an early shift at work, Gwendolyn will wake to find her daily pills and vitamins lined up neatly on the bedside table, next to a glass of water. Once she’s obediently taken the pills, she’ll reach for the note that Mildred will always leave under the glass. The contents of these notes vary. Sometimes they’ll contain a random thought that Mildred just couldn’t wait until later to tell Gwendolyn about, or a description of the bird she saw outside the window as she was getting ready. Often they’ll contain stern instructions for Gwendolyn to drink enough water and eat something wholesome. Occasionally, if Mildred is in a rush that morning, the note will simply be a scribbled ‘Have a good day, I love you.’, but Gwendolyn cherishes it all the same. At the first opportunity, Gwendolyn purchases a scrapbook, and starts sticking the notes into it, filling it with written fragments of Mildred’s love. 

“Why have you been keeping all of these?” Mildred asks when she finds the book, her tone confused and yet laced with barely contained emotion. “They’re just scraps of paper, really.” 

Gwendolyn has no answer other than to lean in and kiss her. 

*** 

Driven, perfectionist Mildred is always lurking under the surface, ready to spring out at any sign of disorder. This is the Mildred who sits beside Gwendolyn at her hospital appointments, grilling the doctors with questions about the best diet for chemotherapy patients. It’s the Mildred who spends hours poring over the latest medical journals, making detailed notes about the latest available treatments. Gwendolyn is deeply touched by Mildred’s determination to cure her, but she can’t help feeling guilty; Mildred wouldn’t have to worry about these things if it weren’t for her. But Mildred never complains. 

This side of Mildred shows itself in smaller ways, too. In the way she has to fold all of her clothes a certain way before putting them away, or the way she’ll sit up late into the night working on a crossword puzzle because she can’t bear the thought of leaving it half finished. Gwendolyn never questions her for these things; she knows that Mildred’s need for control and perfection stem from her having had so little of either in her early life. So Gwendolyn starts folding her own clothes in the same way as Mildred, so that everything in the drawers will meet Mildred’s standard of neatness. She stands behind Mildred and whispers the crossword answers when she sees her struggling, to help her finish it more quickly. Little things, really, but with the power of the smiles they earn from Mildred, Gwendolyn is convinced she could move mountains. 

*** 

Scared, vulnerable Mildred breaks Gwendolyn’s heart. 

Mildred rarely talks about her childhood, and Gwendolyn certainly doesn’t push her to discuss it, but it still breaks out in flashes. Sometimes an unexpected noise, sometimes a sudden movement, and sometimes nothing in particular, will send Mildred spiralling, and in a heartbeat she’ll be cowering on the floor, shaking and crying. In these moments, Gwendolyn can’t see her Mildred in the person before her, just a broken little girl dragged from a past of pain and fear. It’s a while before Gwendolyn is forced to accept that there’s very little she can do to help Mildred during these episodes. All she can do is hold her close, and promise her that she’s safe, and wait for her Mildred to come back to her. Mildred tells her that’s enough, but Gwendolyn doubts she would feel so helpless if it were.

More often than not, though, the terror comes at night, in the nightmares waiting to seep through Mildred’s mind as soon as she closes her eyes. Gwendolyn will be pulled from sleep by a horrible scream, or by a body thrashing in her arms, and before she’s fully awake Mildred will be clinging to her, drenched in sweat with tears streaming down her face. Gwendolyn will kiss the tears away, repeating over and over that it wasn’t real, but she knows those words are hollow. For Mildred, the demons which haunt her nightmares had, at one time or another, been very real indeed. 

More than anything, Gwendolyn longs to go back in time and protect the younger Mildred from the people who treated her so terribly. She longs for a way to erase every moment of pain Mildred has ever had to endure. It’s a strange conundrum, when she thinks about it, that she can love Mildred so completely and yet still wish part of her away. So she doesn’t allow herself to dwell on that idea. She just strokes Mildred’s hair, kisses her face again and again, praying that there won’t be a next time. 

There always is, and Gwendolyn is always there. 

*** 

Then there’s intelligent, curious Mildred, a creature Mildred herself doesn’t seem to know exists. Mildred is rather insecure about her lack of a formal education, especially around Gwendolyn, whose parents were very fastidious about her schooling. But Mildred has a passion for knowledge, a desire to understand everything about the world around her. It’s a desire that, until now, she’s never had the chance to pursue. 

There’s a small room on the first floor of Gwendolyn’s house, which Trevor once used as a study. All along the back wall are shelves and shelves of books, on everything from history to art. After they moved in together, Gwendolyn would frequently catch Mildred standing in front of them, longingly running her hands along the spines. She would never open them, never even take them off the shelf. She would only stand there, gazing in wonder. 

Eventually, Gwendolyn had decided that she needed to step in. The next time she caught Mildred looking at the books, she had come up behind her and gently wrapped her arms around her, leaning close to whisper in her ear. 

“You can read them, you know. You can read as many as you like.” 

Mildred had turned to look at her with an expression of mingled hope and fear on her face, as if she’d just been offered the most magnificent treasure but was afraid it might be booby trapped. Gwendolyn had held her tighter, offering reassurance. 

“Do you want to do it together?” 

Mildred had nodded frantically, and that was that. 

Every evening, after dinner, Mildred will choose a book on any topic that interests her. Then she’ll sit draped in Gwendolyn’s lap, and they’ll take it in turns to read aloud to each other, Mildred soaking in every word. At first, she’s a little hesitant to admit when there’s a part she doesn’t understand, but Gwendolyn is so patient with her explanations, and so eager to work things out together when they reach a passage they both find confusing, that Mildred’s fears soon vanish. 

Mildred never forgets anything she learns, not once she’s heard it explained in Gwendolyn’s voice. 

*** 

Now, as she gazes at Mildred’s sleeping face, Gwendolyn wonders, if she had to choose, which side of Mildred she would say was her favourite. She quickly realises that it’s an impossible choice, because without each and every aspect of her personality, Mildred wouldn’t be the same complex, wonderful person Gwendolyn loves so dearly. There’s no way, therefore, that Gwendolyn can put any part of her above the others. 

Gwendolyn is so lost in thought that she doesn’t realise that Mildred has awoken until she feels gentle fingers caressing her cheek. She pulls herself back to the here and now, and sees Mildred looking at her with eyes filled with so much adoration that Gwendolyn feels herself falling in love all over again. 

“What were you thinking about?” Mildred asks, her voice still heavy with sleep. 

“You.” Gwendolyn says simply, holding Mildred tighter and pressing a kiss to her forehead. Mildred’s brow furrows slightly. 

“Why?” 

There are so many responses that Gwendolyn could give to that question; the fact that she’s never truly stopped thinking about Mildred since she first met her, the fact that Mildred has invaded her life so completely that everything seems to relate to her, the fact that Mildred’s image brings her joy and peace when nothing else can. But Gwendolyn decides that it’s too early to venture into such heavy declarations, so she just kisses Mildred’s cheek and answers her in the most simple and truthful way she can. 

“Because I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> So that's that. I promise I'll try to write something more coherent next time. 
> 
> Getting comments is my favourite thing, so please do say hi down below :-)


End file.
